Brief answer: pretty ok.
So I believe that I’m a nihilist, mostly existentially because I don’t know enough philosophy to decide whether other compartments of nihilism also makes sense to me or not. Put simply, I believe there is no intrinsic meaning to our existence and we are not here because of any particular reason. It just happened as a result of billion years of abiogenesis and evolutionary processes. In this story, I don’t want to advocate my belief, I’ll explain why I think so and describe if it actually made my life a miserably hollow one or what.
I grew up in an Islamic country (Iran) that strongly emphasises on the fact that “first of all, Allah exists, no doubt here. And here’s why we exist and what’s the right thing to do boy so listen to me because this will take a few years.” So I shouldn't be what I am now because that’s exactly where I was forbidden to go. But luckily, my parents were pretty liberal and they encouraged scepticism that allowed me to explore different possibilities without feeling guilty about it. And I did. I was still into the idea of a grand plan behind everything until when I was around 23. Then I delved into cognitive sciences and stuff. I learned about how evolution works, I read about the brain and how it actually makes sense of nonsense sometimes, computations behind our decisions, what is motivating us to do what we do, how malfunctions of different brain networks seriously change our perception, personality, and existence as we feel and know it.
Generally, I realised well, I guess we are making the meanings ourselves and there’s no grand game here. I’m a superorganism made of simpler ones and they themselves are made of simpler ones and so on. I realised that we are an emergent property of this collaboration and that’s simply all. They have no plan, and no meaning is out there for my existence so I guess we’re building those meanings up. Existentialism in other words. Then I noticed that I have to make a decision here, I had three options as Kierkegaard figured it out:
- Kill yourself and escape the problem.
- Build up a meaning and stick to it.
- Accept the absurd. Just deal with the shit.
First option? not brave enough. If all I am is my brain activity then, of course, I’ll vanish after death and there will be no existence. Actually isn’t this a motivation to keep on existing? I mean, it is absurd though but compared to not existing it’s at least existing!
Second one? feels like lying to yourself. Deep there you know that you’re just filling up the void with something and that thing can be anything. It’s actually an interesting issue if my existence is a one-shot thing then isn’t this better to spend it all on maximising my hedonistic experiences? This was what I’ve been told by my teachers, “nihilism is the first step towards a total break-down of your moral system and there’s a slippery slope here boy, you’ll end up dead having a needle in your arm, being nothing more than an animal.” First of all, I think that should be my decision to make, either I want to end up being a junkie or a monk but that aside, again it’s my decision to make. Assuming this is my only chance of living, what do I want to do with it? Follow Viktor Frankl as “a man who searches for meaning” and hold on to them, feel safe, happy, satisfied, and kinda warm? Compelling, not for me though.
Third one it is. I accepted the absurd as a fact, believing that firstly, there is no intrinsic meaning for my existence and secondly, searching for one point nowhere, and lastly, making one is simply living a lie. I asked myself do I actually need a point to feel happy anyway? then I stepped further and asked do I need to feel happy to be alive anyway? both answers were no.
So, how does it feel like to be a nihilist? Real. I wake up everyday thinking, experiencing, socialising, working, shitting, knowing that these are all happening because I exist (not in a Cartesian global sceptisism way, I also exist in my dreams, I exist if I experience existence and that’s all we need to care about in this post). I’m not waiting for an afterlife to pays me off. I do volunteering not so I can be a good boy ending up in the marvelous heaven giggling with 72 virgins, I do volunteering because I decided that I’m responsible regarding the society I live in. I don’t make decisions so I feel safe and happy because the God will judge me and I want to be proud on that day since everyone is watching, I want to be proud now because I’m watching. I’m not feeling like emptiness is devouring me every day but I do feel insecure because I see no meaning for most of the stuff but beauty. The fact that stuff are happening not because they mean’t to happen but because they are just happening is beautiful. I live in the moment because I know this won’t repeat ever again. I plan for my life because I see no afterlife so I gotta experience the hell out of this one now, I feel ok not because I experienced all the fun stuff, because I experienced stuff in general.
Yeah, actually, is nihilism the hallway to hedonism? EVERYTHING IS if you want to go there stop looking for excuses. I’m not saying having a hedonistic life is morally bad, I’m saying you don’t need to bring nihilism to the equation. The best example might be actually I myself, I’m not pursuing fun experiences in particular because of the second question that I asked myself, do I need to feel happy to live? is my life wasted if I didn’t have “enough” fun in it? I realized that, every experience is interesting by itself even if it’s a tragedy, you are the one who’s, by chance, experiencing it. The odds of us coming to existence were ridiculously low, not just you as a sperm but you as a sperm, which by chance became a human, which by chance has a brain capable of reading this, which by chance appeared to be a living being in a suitable planet in this time era blah blah. Note that, there are endless other possibilities, I could be a bat having totally different experiences so the fact that I’m me at this place at this time having these experiences by itself is interesting enough so I don’t really need to have meaning to be happy and I don’t really need to be happy to be interested. I’m me without these components and I feel pretty ok.
P.s: Again, I don’t want to advertise nihilism. I told you a story about my experiences and why I believe in nihilism. I think you should also explore different ideas yourself. I might change my mind next year that’s fine because I’m still exploring and learning, which to me is the main motivation. Whatever you believe in is fine as long as you don’t force others to practice the same. I’m also talking to you “nihilist ergo wise” people! If you feel superior simply because you believe in something then you’re probably a jerk.
